Literally The Last Day of Being 21

Assalamualaikum wbt

2 weeks of exam had gone. One more week and home sweet home *lompat bintang*. Tak sabar nak balik. Tak sabar nak makan sedap-sedap without fikir duit tak cukup, makanan tak bersih kang diarrhea dan sebagainya. Semalam OSCE, we got 12 stations overall. Apart from 2 stations yang rasa macam kena repeat, the rest was okay lah. Taknak letak harapan tinggi-tinggi kang kalau jatuh sapa nak angkat. Dahlah berat muahahaha.

So today is 31 December 2015. The last day of 2015. First of alhamdulillah i am still given a chance to take a breath. A chance to still hear my own pulse instead of my patient's pulse wakakaka. To still have chance to meet my family. To spent time dengan family. Kalau nak reflect balik sebenarnya Tuhan tu bagi peluang untuk taubat. Kannn :(

Why literally? Yelah sebab birthday is on April. Kena tunggu birthday la baru legally 22 *insert twenty two by taylor swift* muahaha. Serius nanti time birthday nak nyanyi lagu Taylor Swift tu kuat-kuat bagi gegar satu Mulana kakaka.

2015. Taught me a lot. A lot more than before. Tahun yang penuh dengan emosi. Tahun yang penuh dengan ilmu survival yang sampai memakan diri. Masa first night of 2015 tu, aku ada tweet semoga all the pain yang ada during 2014 being taken away so that i have a blessed 2015. Tapi Tuhan lebih tahu. Kalau ada manusia yang perlu cara kasar untuk memajukan diri sendiri. Tapi Tuhan tu tak kasar. Dia bagi cara yang paling berkesan. Kita je tak nampak kann.

Kalau orang tanya sepanjang 21 ni, apa je impian yang dah capai? None. I still havent own my own car, my own house, a doctor tittle. Belum dapat spent time family that much. Belum hantar parents pergi haji and umrah. Belum dapat belikan parents apa to repay their sacrifice. Belum jadi a good person. Belum sepenuhnya jadi a good muslimah, a good girl. I dont own money. I still got dragged by my emotion sometimes. I cant control myslef. I dont wake up early to perform qiyam every night. I still fighting myself everyday bila nak tambah page tadarrus, instead of 5 pages a day, why not up 10 pages. Kadang tadarrus 10 pages, kadang 5 pages. I still havent give a lot. Selalu nampak orang minta sedekah, main lalu je kan ;(. Macam susah sangat nak keluarkan duit dalam purse bagi sedekah dekat orang.

Bila meroyan dekat Atie, dia meroyan kat aku balik masalahnya haha. Pantang betul bila buka instagram jumpa perempuan cantik. Insecure habis. Haha. Well its not beauty we are looking for. Bila tengok orang 21 dah ada duit sendiri dah boleh pergi jalan sana-sini of course we did want the same thing kan. Tapi everyone have their own priorities kot. Macam aku, ada duit lebih sikit i buy something for my siblings, ada org ada duit lebih sikit lebih suka spent to their self as a reward. Tak kisah pun. Mana-mana pun boleh. Impian orang masing-masing. Aku pun selalu buat self rewards jugak. Tapi bukan dengan duit la. Dengan tidur hahahaha. I value sleep so much kayyy. Dont disturb my sleep and my 'self'' time hahaha.

Tinggal lagi satu sem before balik UKM. Honestly i am both scared and happy. Happy la sebab finally i get reunite with my family after so long. I am finally live close to my family enn. 45 minutes distance. I count that as near. Tapi takut sebab dah nak masuk clinical. Cukup ke ilmu yang ada. Dah ready ke nak in contact with patient. Dah ready nak kena marah. Dah ready nak belajar macam tak cukup tanah bila nak exam. Sekarang pun sama juga study sampai nak meletup otak bila time exam but i believe things will get worse bila masuk clinical haha. Pastu dapat pulak berita nak masuk housemanship dah susah. Lagi la sakit kepala. Kalau aku, aku tak tahu macam mana nak react dengan benda alah tu. They are not supposed to do that screening kot. Sebab whatever happens everyone akan strive to pass the screening. No matter what. Semua orang akan buat everything supaya lepas screening tu. And what happen bila semua orang that good during the screening? Kena terima jugak kan masuk HO. I think the best way is to make more hospitals and more medical centre. Sebab lambakan graduate hanya akan selesai dengan adanya lambakan kerja.

Bila dengar news macam tu, i started to think about all the years im gonna spend during study. Its gonna be freaking 6 years kot. And turns out keluar tak dapat HO, tak dapat kerja. What is the meaning of all this? Siapa yang taknak rasa hasil lepas penat lelah 6 tahun. Tipu kalau taknak rasa. Maybe kalau tak dapat rasa for a long period pun at least give us some experience. Thats all i want. Experience. Belajar lama, kerja takde. Nak buat business? Celah mana lagi nak businessnya. Dah semua orang buat business haha.

Lepastu aku fikir, sementara nak beratur tunggu masuk HO tu maybe i can learn new skills muahaha. Belajar la apa-apa pun. Jual burger pun macam ok. Mungkin boleh bukak kedai jual aiskrim 20sen depan sekolah hahaha.

What more in 2015? 2015 taught me that dont put hope on people. Sebab tak semua orang tu memang destinied dengan kita. Maybe dia datang hanya sementara. Jangan terlalu bergantung dengan harapan. Hope will eat you back.

I have a crush on someone dulu la. Lepastu kena pulak kau Ain manusia jenis setia buta wakaka. So bila tunggu lama-lama orang ignore je, i started to get annoyed. Tapi sebab setia, i stay. Serius tak tahu saka setia mana aku dapat. Setia piang habih tu. Few years passed, tetiba we got close. Really close. Tapi tak tahulah kalau aku je yang rasa macam tu muahahaha. Maybe dia rasa we're just friends. Tapi got close nya tu setahun je lah. Lepastu he left. Dengan reason, kita kawan je. Ok la, i was so sad that time. Tapi few months and masuk a year after that, everything is under control. Sedih pun takdelah drag sampai tak makan, air mata nak meleleh je tiap masa and all the crazy stuffs masa mula-mula that thing happens. Lagi sedih lagi makan hahaha. No one has ever made me cry like that night. Tapi dia boleh *standing ovation*. For a year i hope he would come back tapi takde pun haha. So i learn to cope with everything.

Kalau orang tanya, have i moved on? I dont think i have, but i accept everything that happen and i continue my life. Plus aku ada impian yang aku sendiri nak capai. Aku ada life mission yang aku sendiri nak complete kan. So its a long wa journey. Ada ups and downs. Ada bumps here and there. Tapi i know i'll get something to learn out of it.

Basically 2015, jadikan aku lebih menghargai family. Tak depends dekat orang. Orang yang believe everything will be okay. And makes me more ambitious towards my life goals :)

Lepastu gigih la buat bucket list. Berangan lebih biasalah. I become stronger and tougher. 6 picks invisible hahaha. Overall its fine.

I hope 2016 would be more blessed for me. Semoga tahunn 2016 jadi yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Aku jadi lebih baik, lebih rajin, tak malas, tak kuat makan, tak kuat tidur, tak kuat meroyan, tak selalu sedih, tak selalu homesick, makin pandai, makin cantik wakakakaka. Apapun harap semoga amalan sebelum dan selepas ni diterima. Inshaa Allah.

Happy New Year, everyone *yeay*
Semoga 2015 gives us memories we wont forget :)

To that person, i hope you are happy with your life. I hope you achieve what you dreamed for. Semoga menjadi insan yang terbaik untuk semua orang. Semoga your presence brighten up everyone's world. Jaga diri. Jangan selalu sakit. Jangan asik makan ayam je wakakaka. I hope for the best for you. Best of luck in everything you do insha Allah ;)

To Izzati, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for lift up my spirit whenever i am down. You're the only one who stays in my life throughout everything. You're the one continuously giving me powerful words yang aku boleh hadam and sedar diri. Contohnya "kau ingat kau cantik macam dia" hahaha. You're the only person yang aku boleh terima kalau bagi ayat-ayat macam tu haha. Thank you for reminds me bila aku dah jauh dari Tuhan. Thank you for everything you've done and give. Masa, kredit, telinga, shoulder, and everything. Thank you so much. I hope you would be here beside me until the rest of my life. Boleh tak nanti kubur kita sebelah-sebelah haha :)

Exam Fever.

Assalamualaikum wbt

So im in the middle of examination weeks. Have 2 more weeks left. Most importantly dah habis SOOCA la cerita dia. Muahahaha sebab tu semua orang buat perangai macam exam dah habis, Melantak tidur umpama tiada hari esok. Padahal next week ada OSCE. K tetiba rasa berdosa. Sebab aku lah yang tidur umpama tiada hari esok tu.

I supposed to go back to attend my cousin's wedding. Tapi when i think of it, its kinda inappropriate kot nak nak balik tetengah exam week. Ceewahhhh padahal boleh je balik. Its inappropriate la untuk orang bebal macam aku ni haha. Belajar tak habis lagi dah nak balik sesuka hati haha. Disebabkan tu i've been tortured these few days dengan whatsapp group family. Mana taknya, semua nak post gambar sinoman. I feel bad. I feel sad.

Dua tiga hari ni rasa nak mengamuk je selalu. Emosi tak stabil la sebab dah kena toture dengan gambar-gambar macam tu. Dari dulu lagi selalu miss family's activity. Kalau nak tengok org yang tak ada tu tak payah tanya la siapa. Memang aku la. Maybe ada je orang yang tak kisah sangat if tak join activity family semua ni. But i care. I care because i love my family. I care sebab im a family girl. Dulu aku pun tak join sangat benda-benda family ni. Aku buat tak kisah je. But being far from your family for almost half of your life did that. Started since 13 years old. And now dah nak masuk 22 years old. Of course i wanna spent more time dengan family. 

At this point, aku selalu question diri sendiri. Kenapa accpet offer ni dulu? Kenapa tak accept offer UPU. Pastu bila fikir balik, its the same. Result UPU aku dapat dekat Sabah. There's no difference pun. Aku still kena balik naik flight. At the same now, Even dekat Sabah pun tengah exam.Well maybe exam tu tak stress macam exam skrg, but still i have to take a flight kalau nak balik.

And maybe at that time, aku terpengaruh dengan propaganda orang study dekat oversea dapat pergi jalan-jalan, dapat duit banyak, boleh post gambar dekat whatsapp group tunjuk pergi jalan dengan member and all that stuffs. Eventho time tu aku tahu je, oh ain you're not going to UK or US. Kau pergi Bandung je. Tapi aku still ada keyakinan ahh its okay boleh jugak jenjalan.

Well it turned out not the same like what i've expected. Haha. I've got a week full of class. Every single day. I got break on weekend. Yes of course. Tapi break time weekend tu time third year ni jelah baru dapatnya. Dulu time first and second year harapan je lah. Weekend we got UKM class from morning till evening. Both day saturday and sunday. Sometimes we've been too tired from all the class sampai rasa, 

'ahhh tanak lah pergi memana weekend ni. Nak duduk rumah je. Hari ni je boleh rehat.'

Kalau nak ikut, actually jadual class tu taklah pack sangat nak compare dengan certain med scholl dekat Msia yang aku dengar lecture sampai malam semua. Well basically kalau dekat Unpad ni everything is on your shoulder. Nak belajar silakan, yaknak belajar pun silakan. Kitorang takde assignment folio berlambak kena buat tu kena buat ni. But yes we did have case every week to cover. Open case hari isnin, tutup case hari jumaat. If case tu ada 2 meeting. Kalau case ada 3 meeting, korban lah lagi weekend. 

We dont have lecture as much as med school lain. Sampai bila exam tu you dont have to open all those thick books pun. It is true. I asked my friend from another med school in Msia, kalau exam macam mana study. Baca slide. Or baca notes from senior or pocket notes yang selalu jual compilation tu. Alaa korang mesti tahu notes2 yang korang compile tu. Im not saying tak bukak buku langsung, but their first source are the slides. But they have subjective paper kan time exam. K aku pun cuak kalau subjective exam. Yelah, nak goreng apa kalau tak tahu pape.

For us, kalau exam, we have to read books. Medicine text books yang tebal-tebal yang sometimes sampai 2000 pages tu. Yes we have to read that. We never read slides bila nak exam. We open books. So you must know the struggle to be handled with those books. We have past year questions. Yes we did. Tapi ikut nasib gak. Kengkadang soalan boleh je tak sama dengan past year. Oh itu untuk objective paper. 

To conclude, walaupun jadual classn tak berapa pack tapi it become horror bila exam. Oral exam? Tak payah cerita. OSCE? Pun tak payah sebut. 

So memang lain dengan apa yang aku imagine when people said pergi la oversea boleh jalan-jalan haha. Indonesia is a really big country tau. If you wanna go to some place, it is possible to take 2 days to arrive. Kalau tempat tu boleh naik flight takpelah. Kalau tak boleh nangis la. Because of that we have to think back about time. Imagine we only got two days untuk pergi tempat yang ambik masa nak sampai pun 2 days. Kalau tempat dekat-dekat tu tak payah cakap lah inshaa Allah dah habis khatam. Tapi tak share. Sebab apa? Sebab nothing to show. 

Entahlahh sedihhh ahhhh.. hahhahaa

I dont know what i feel tapi rasa sedih sangattt. Tengok all of my friends are enjoying their winter break and summer break. Rasa jeles gilaa. Another fact is, i dont have much holiday. Kalau tengok every midsem everyone will be having exam and mid sem break kan. But for me, we only have mid sem exam without mid sem break. Kalau tengok orang lain cuti sem sampai 3 bulan haaa kau jangan harap nak tengok aku cuti selama tu. Aku cuti paling lama sebulan setengah je. Kalau kau jahat sikit kau sambung sampai 2 bulan. 

Let say ada 2 bulan. Sebulan dah habiskan untuk raya dengan puasa. Ada la lebih kurang sebulan lagi kalau nak buat pape. Belum tolak open house raya yang selalu sampai habis sebulan raya tu. 

Im in the middle of exam so bila tengok orang holiday sana sini especially those who are at abroad just like me rasa macam nak tikam-tikam je. Aku abroad jugak tapi kenapa tak boleh jalan macam korang ;(((

Dah lah sesi meroyan seorang Ain. Cakap banyak pun tak guna. Last-last kena pujuk diri sendiri jugak. Orang lain might say. 'ini ujian. Sabar. Nanti lain kali boleh join. Boleh pergi'. Say those who are enjoying themselves with holiday and joy right now. 

Ok dah boleh la sambung study kot Ain. Paper killer semua belum habis lagi kan.

Wassalam :)