Nasi Ulam Air Mata

Assalamualaikum wbt

K aku faham benda ni pelik bila aku update blog in the middle posting. Aku tengah posting Ortho, rotation sports. Aku supposed to study sekarang ni tapi ya ampun dari tadi aku tunggu mood study ni nak datang tapi hampeh singgah pun tak. Dah lama aku tak tengok blog, bila baca balik last entry aku baru teringat yang aku pernah kena friendzoned kahkahkah. Walaupun esok aku kena menapak pergi ward lepas subuh nak cover patient, tapi sebab aku rasa tengah bersemangat nak update blog, afdhal aku teruskan niat murni aku ni.

Cerita pasal Seman ni forever will be the most memorable part in my life. It was the most devastating phase i've ever been. Betapa aku sayang dekat dia ni sampai aku kena maki dengan semua orang sebab terlampau setia yang membuta tuli. Orang dah buang pun aku nak setia lagi. Kalau ikutkan dah memang wajib move on sebab dah nak masuk 15 tahun dok setia tak tentu hala ni. Tapi susahnya nak move on ni sampai aku pasang crush 2-3 ketul nak bagi distracted tapi tak berjaya jugak. Sampai la sekarang. Cumanya aku sekarang takdelah macam putus harapan hidup macam dulu. Dulu makan pun taknak, sekarang papehal makan dulu haha. Tapi kalau klinik habis lambat haa tu memang makan letak tepi, tidur lebih penting.

Ada satu hari ni, time ni aku still tengah syok sendiri la ni, Seman ni mengadu dekat aku yang kawan-kawan dia ajak pergi main paintball tapi tak ramai pulak nak join tetiba. So diorang ni kiranya tak cukup orang la nak buat 2 team. Seman ajak lah aku main. Tapi aku taknak. Sebab apa aku taknak, sebab aku kenal classmates dia. And classmates dia kenal aku, sebab dia selalu cerita pasal aku dekat diorang. Sekarang nampak tak betapa berpengaruh nya aku haha. Sebab paling utama, classmates dia pernah baca ws kitorg, and pernah reply lagi ws aku guna fon Seman. Time tu aku malu gila cicak. Itu sebab aku tolak bila dia ajak main. Sebab kalau ikutkan aku yang tak reti duduk diam ni, aku memang suka la main benda-benda seangkatan dengan paintball ni. Tapi bila aku reject tu, Seman ni macam marah dekat aku. Sebab dia pujuk aku banyak kali tapi aku tetap taknak. Bila si Seman tu macam marah sikit, aku yang bendul ni rasa menggelabah la. Dengan bijaknya, esok pepagi tu aku tak senang duduk dah, aku terus drive kereta pergi tempat diorang main paintball tu. Time aku sampai tu around pukul 10-11 macam tu. Time tu diorang dah start main dah. Bila diorang rest tu, Seman datang dekat kereta aku. Sepanjang tunggu dia tu aku duduk dalam kereta je. Dia suruh aku keluar, tunggu kat luar tapi yelah aku kan malu nak jumpa classmates dia. Classmates dia semua cantik-cantik, aku taknak jadi kentang busuk kat situ. Lepastu aku tunggu la dia sampai dia habis main. Teka la aku tunggu berapa lama? 4 jam. Yes. 4 jam aku tunggu dia habis main. Dia habis around 3 lebih macam tu. Aku tunggu tu sebab aku ingat nak balik sekali dengan dia la. Tapi yang lawaknya, lepas habis main tu dia datang dekat kereta aku pastu dia suruh aku balik dulu, dia balik dengan kawan dia sebab nak pergi makan dekat KL dulu. Dan aku dengan innocentnya pun balik je la. Kalau kau tak rasa apa yang aku rasa mungkin kau patut jumpa cardiologist or psychiatrist.

Itu antara benda bodoh yang aku paling menyesal sampai sekarang. Pernah jugak aku ajak dia keluar pergi mall sebab nak pergi MPH. Kalau kau rasa ni tak cukup bodoh aku rasa kau stop baca entri aku ni haha. Lepastu aku pernah bangun pagi-pagi baking sebab malam sebelum tu dia cakap nak makan chocolate cake. Ye aku bangun pagi tu and buatkan dia choc cake and dia bawak pergi kelas. Aku suruh dia ambik kat rumah aku masa dia on the way pergi kelas. Aku jarang jadi rajin sampai macam ni. Sebab semua orang tahu aku memang suka tidur.

Aku tahu korang semua nak maki and marah aku sebab aku macam bendul gila. Aku tahu jugak korang gelakkan  aku sebab syok sendiri. Aku tahu jugak korang cop aku kena friendzoned. Aku tahu and aku faham je. I deserved that. Because after all it was a misunderstanding on my side. I should know from the start that he just look at me as a friend. It's just that from my perspective, he was the hero, that knight of shining armour that came out of nowhere ready to save me haha. Tapi susahnya aku nak lepas dia, takde orang tahu. Aku try macam-macam nak lepaskan dia dari hati aku. Aku doa supaya hilangkanlah perasaan aku dekat dia, aku sibukkan diri sampai memang busy betul nak call parents pun tak sempat, aku unfollow, unfriend dia dari sebarang social media. Aku elak dari jumpa dia seboleh yang mungkin. Walaupun kadang-kadang ada jugak terdetik dekat hati aku pasal dia, aku cepat-cepat fikir pasal benda lain. But it is not easy as what being said.

He is still there at the deepest part of my heart. Silently there. Sekarang dia dah dengan Fifi. As what i saw until now, he is happy with his life now. I am glad that he is happy. Nothing could beat that. I see how strong and determine he is to prove everyone that he can do something to be proud of. At one point, i was wondering, maybe we are not destined to be together because we are not improving each other that much. We kept hurting each other. We are too comfortable with our situation. If we are meant for each other, we should keep improving ourselves so that we are better for each other. But we are not.

A month ago, i decided to follow him on instagram. So i requested to follow. But up until now, no respond. I dont know whether he has completely blocked my account or he just dont care. I just dont understand. For me, that was a big move from me. Because im the one who got friendzoned by him, i should be the one who move on. So yes, im still in the process. And i thought by following him on instagram i could move on better. When i was still doubting whether to press the button request, i was considering my rasional. I know if he approve my request, i should be prepared to see some picture of him and her. I know i should expect something that could break my heart again. And i think that is fine, because maybe i should try the harsh way. So yeah, i am ready for it. But, not him i think. He still did not approve my request.

I do not know how long it is gonna take to solve this thing.

I hope he become someone he wished for. I hope he is happy with his life. I hope he found someone better that me. I hope he is in a good health always. I hope he is no thinking too much because that's what he is. He is easily distracted about what people say about him. And i hope he knows how much i longed for him.